Seven Reasons Why Your Bracket is Busted

Face it. Your bracket’s burnt toast. That’s okay; mine is too. Everyone’s is. Those hopes of becoming a billionaire? Out the window, in dramatic fashion. Upset after upset after wrongly-picked upset has us all down on our knees, tears streaming down our faces. Maybe it isn’t beyond repair – but it certainly is nowhere near perfect.

Why is my bracket busted so badly? Ah, I’m glad you asked. This phenomenon goes beyond just wrong picks. You deserve a detailed explanation as to why you’re in such a sad place. Hopefully, we can make some things right next time around.

To you cheaters who still have a reasonably intact bracket – I’m looking at you, Michael, and you, Carter – go away. Your kind is not welcome here.

And now, presenting seven reasons why your bracket is busted:

7. Refs

The oldest fallback in the book. But boy, does it ring true.

Stop screwing us over!!! Photo by USA Today.

I understand that those zebras out there have a really, really tough job. I’ve been in competitive high school varsity basketball games, and even then the speed of the game is so fast that I’m often amazed that refs have time to even blow the whistle.

Alas, nobody is perfect, and, especially from a fan’s perspective, the refs are decidedly non-perfect. This year, they have already taken away a possible game-winning shot and stretched out the last two minutes of every close game with their monitor reviews. Buddy, you don’t need 10 minutes and 30 camera angles to decide whether or not his foot was on the line.

We often don’t give the refs enough credit when they help us out – it’s human nature. However, for the purposes of this post/rant/depression, they deserve all the crap they get. What are they getting paid for anyways?!?!

Screw you, refs. Just kidding, I love you guys. But only when you make those calls for my team. Thanks. No thanks.

6. The Duke Blue Devils!!!

Hoo, hoo, ha, ha, hoooooo, haaaaaaa. That’s me focusing on my breathing in order to calm down. Let’s do this one letter-style:

Dear Duke Men’s Basketball Team,

My, what a great tradition you have. 13 National Championships?! Impressive, impressive. Now, I’m writing to you seeking an apology. For what, you ask? Well, you see, I’m not sure if you remember, but about a week ago you went up against a tiny little team called Mercer. Yeah, I bet you don’t even know where they’re from. They were 11 seeds below you. That’s more than an apple’s worth! And yet, you lost. Yes, you did. No, I assure you, I’m not lying. I believe this is called traumatic memory loss, or something. By the way, 1 in 6 brackets had you guys going to the Final Four. You sent millions of people spiraling into depression. I don’t know how you can continue to live with yourselves.



Yeah, you’d better be sad. Photo by NY Daily News.

5. Kentucky Wildcats Freshmen!!!!!

This is what I hate strongly dislike. An ubertalented team, the likes of which has never been seen before in college basketball, has a roller coaster ride of a season. Freshmen make up the core of the team. As they enter the tournament fresh off a one-point loss to the top overall seed and snag an (8) seed, nobody, and I mean nobody, knows who the real Kentucky is.

They beat Kansas State in the Round of 64. Eh. The next time out, they ended (1) Wichita State’s undefeated season. In the back of our minds, we all knew something like this could happen. It was just hard to really prepare for it because nobody truly deeply in-their-hearts believed that these young men would be able to finally put everything together. Well, guess what, guys?! They did!! You happy now?!

That moment when Kentucky turns it up… Photo by Local News 8.

Suddenly, people are once again saying that they’ll be national champions. Ooh, I hope not. But look at all that talent! Gulp. Why, why, why, why, why, why, why?!?!

4. Three Pointers

There’s a saying among the basketball-playing community: “Live by the three, die by the three”. Boy, there’s been a lot of that going on this year. (6) Baylor shot a scorching 61.1% in their Round of 32 matchup against (3) Creighton, distastefully putting an end to the legendary Doug McBuckets’ career.

On the other side of the spectrum, (3) Syracuse went 0-10 from deep in their loss to (11) Dayton. It was a two-point margin of victory. Would it have been too much to ask for them to hit at least one from distance?

Iowa State, the gunning-est team out there, is shooting a lights-out 48% in the tournament from deep. On an off night, they can lose to Middle of Nowhere State College. If they’re feeling it, they can blow anybody straight out of the gym. Let’s just say that college basketball fans’s relationship with the three point shot is complicated.

3. Man’s Greatest Failure

And by that, I mean pride. After you’ve filled out your bracket and are beholding it in all its glory, it is impossible not to overcome by a staggering amount of self-confidence. There’s no way any of this can go wrong!

Yeah, let’s do less of this. Photo by Lake Chalice.

Reality hits like a slap in the face. If curiosity killed the cat, then pride killed the person. Hey, made that one up on the spot!

The point here is to keep a careful guard up before the games are even played. If you’re able to subdue your feelings of happiness when you think all will go well, the crushing sadness that will inevitably hit is softened to the point of being almost bearable.

2. DAYTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish you could have seen my reaction when Dayton decided to go ahead and ruin everything before things even got started.

This team is the biggest Cinderella story of the Tournament. The Flyers fit the bill perfectly, if I do say so myself. They came into March Madness in complete obscurity – I didn’t even know they were from Ohio. They kicked the Tournament off with a bang vs. Ohio State, winning in the final minute. The buzz started – who are these kids?

Next time out, took down (3) Syracuse in another heart-stopper. Hmm, well, that’s cool. Sweet Sixteen bound – that’s cute.

And, just today, they took down (10) Stanford to punch their ticket to the Elite Eight. The University of Dayton. Mascot: Flyers. Star players: none. Regular season: unspectacular. Tournament wins this year: three. Yeah, they are happening.

Stop rubbing it in, you ugly thing. Photo by WDTN.

What in the world…? This. This here. This is why suicide rates are higher in the month of March (I’m not sure about that one, but it would seem to support my case here). This is why paper shredders were invented. This is when you go beat the crap out of your punching bag. This is how 6,500 students all of a sudden get to have the time of their lives that they never expected.

This is why we hate March Madness.

This is why we love March Madness.

1. It’s March Madness

Who is this idiot?! DUH!!!

Allow me to clarify –  I’m trying to say here is that this whole article was pointless.

That’s it. I’m done. Don’t have time for losers like this.

No,wait, don’t go! I’m just trying to help you!

*Door slams*

If you’re still here, thanks. Sorry. The point is that we’re talking about a little thing called March Madness here – so of course your bracket is busted! What else do you expect?! Every single year, what happens?! Your bracket gets carved up like a turkey on Thanksgiving. Mmm…turkey…food…hey, stop.

The biggest reason that your bracket is busted is that you even bothered to fill it out in the first place. But we all know you’re going to do it next year, and the year after next, until the college athletics academic scandals are finally revealed. Whoops, that already happened. Well, sigh, I guess that all of this disappointment will just make it even sweeter when I pocket that billion bucks.



Or not.



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